Keeping a New Year’s Resolution is about as difficult as holding water in your hands. Slowly it all trickles through your fingers, until all that’s left is a damp feeling reminding you that you failed to accomplish your goal. Whether your resolution was to finally shed that elusive 10 pounds, or to find a new job, you always start off with the best of intentions but it’s not long before you’ve forgotten that bright feeling of optimism that you had during the countdown to midnight.

So, how can you make 2013 more successful in reaching those self-set goals?

Before I serve you up with some resolution setting tips, I should divulge that I have not been that great with my own New Year’s aspirations in the past. I would often create goals that were so lengthy and involved that I could never seem to live up to them. 2012 has been the closest I’ve come to keeping my New Year’s resolution because I followed some well-researched advice. So, in summary, if you follow these tips and find great success as a result, don’t thank me. Thank Google.

1. Set a Resolution Based on Your Personal Values

Think allllll the way back to New Year’s Eve 2011. Where were you when you set your resolution? Quite possibly, you were with a group of friends of family, and someone asked you that traditional question, “What is YOUR New Year’s resolution?”

It is pretty typical to not even think about setting a goal for the New Year until just hours before the ball drops. I know that I rarely take the time to carefully think through my personal goals in advance of a new year’s party, and next thing I know I’m sipping champagne and trying to think of something that makes me sound self-reflective. In fact, I often spend such little time thinking about a resolution that one year I won Best New Year’s Resolution at a bar because I blurted out that my goal was to “kill more zombies” (hey, “Left 4 Dead” was a very popular video game that year).

Groupthink can often lead you to setting strange goals that aren’t really important to you. For example, if all of your friends are vowing to lose weight, or eat better, or go to the gym more, you may just stick with the trend and come up with a similar health oriented resolution… even if it isn’t really that important to you personally. Take a little time this year to think about your resolution while you are alone and have a quiet moment to consider what really matters in your own life. You’re a lot more likely to keep a resolution if it’s something of personal importance to you.

2. Set Goals that are Measurable

Your New Year’s resolution may be something general, like “be more patient.” Having a general goal is okay, but you need to set measurable steps to determine how you will actually reach that goal. For example, if you are trying to be more patient, create an actual objective, like “When I get upset, I will count to ten before responding.” Doing a little research in advance isn’t a bad idea either. If you are planning to eat better, find out some techniques to help you buy health conscious groceries, or invest in a healthy living cookbook.

3. Get a Little Help from a Friend

This tip is a good one, but you also have to careful with it. For example, if you have a close friend who also wants to work out more, it may be beneficial to go together and get a gym membership. You may even choose to work out together on set days and encourage one another. However, as much as a friend can help a resolution, they can also damage it if they stop taking it seriously. In my past experience with work out buddies, they can either encourage you to get off the sofa and onto the treadmill, or they help you make excuses not to work out. If you’re already feeling a bit lazy and your friend calls to cancel your workout session, it’s all too easy for you to decide to just say “screw it.”

With any successful resolution, it has to be about something you truly want for yourself, and so only you can hold yourself to that standard. Of course, it certainly still helps to have someone who cares about you check in and see how you’re progressing or give you encouragement from time to time.

4. Think About What You Usually Do Wrong… And Then Don’t Do That

If every year you promise yourself you’ll spend more time volunteering in the community, and yet you find you only did the same three events you always help with, maybe it’s time to consider what you’re doing wrong. Is it because you are afraid to branch out of your comfort zone? Or maybe you’re not planning in advance and keep missing the sign up for opportunities. Whatever the reason, think carefully about what has kept you from your goals in the past, and then think about how you can refrain from those same behaviors. Make part of your resolution planning be preparing yourself to make changes to bad habits.

5. Set Out to Achieve, Not to Avoid

As you go around the room on New Year’s Eve asking people what their resolution is, you hear a lot of things like “stop smoking” or “stop drinking coffee.” These are pretty typical resolutions, and can be good ones for your health, but there is also a negative tone to the way they are phrased. Negative resolutions have been found to be less likely to be followed. If you want to stop smoking, set reasonable steps to arrive at that goal. As you pass each step, you will have a positive rush from accomplishing something important, which is likely to last you longer into the year than if you think of it as “depriving” yourself.

So, instead of thinking “I will stop drinking coffee!” think something like, “Each week I will drink one less coffee”. You get the idea!

The New Bedford Museum of Glass will host a “Carol of the Bells” Holiday Gala and silent-auction fundraiser on Saturday evening, December 8th, from 6 to 9 PM. The festive evening will feature live music by pianist John Nicolaci, wine, light refreshments and admission to the museum galleries, located at 61 Wamsutta Street in a renovated factory building shared with the New Bedford Antiques Center. Tickets cost $10 in advance and $15 at the door, and the general public is invited.

The main event of the evening will be a silent auction of beautiful glass bells created and donated exclusively for the fundraiser by artists Michael Magyar, Christopher Belleau, Billy Mayer, Andrew Hicks, Spencer Larivere-Werner and Jack Loranger. Also featured in the auction will be collectible glass bells donated by museum member Al Trinidad, author of four important books on the subject. Proceeds from the evening will help to support the glass museum and its educational programming. The bells are currently on view at the New Bedford Antiques Center.

For more information or to reserve tickets to the “Carol of the Bells” Holiday Gala, please visit the museum online at www.nbmog.org or call 508-984-1666.

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New Year’s Swingin’ Eve – a festive evening of upbeat music and dancing, great food, raffle prizes, and children’s activities is on tap Monday, December 31, from 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. at the New Bedford Whaling Museum. Hosted in partnership with the New Bedford Symphony Orchestra, the event is a casual, fun-filled affair for family and friends, featuring the music of Blu Lobsta, performing their popular mix of classic rock, blues and original songs. Selected members of the NBSO will make cameo musical appearances in museum galleries.

We’ll celebrate the New Year at 9:00 p.m. and kids can join the Balloon Brigade to shower the dance floor with balloons. Cap off the evening by viewing the city’s fireworks display from the comfort of the Bourne Room.

Tickets: $50 for adults; $15 for kids. Contact: Sarah Budlong, (508) 997-0046 ext. 150, email: sbudlong@whalingmuseum.org . Fare includes heavy hors d’oeuvres and cash bar. Proceeds benefit the education programs of the New Bedford Symphony Orchestra and the New Bedford Whaling Museum.

The New Bedford Whaling Museum is the world’s most comprehensive museum devoted to the global story of whales, whaling and the cultural history of the region. The cornerstone of New Bedford Whaling National Historical Park, the Museum is located at 18 Johnny Cake Hill in the heart of the city’s historic downtown. For a complete calendar of events, visit the Museum online at www.whalingmuseum.org.

New Bedford Whaling National Historical Park will be hosting “Binding Wounds, Pushing Boundaries,” a free exhibit which explores the participation and contributions of African Americans as nurses, surgeons and hospital workers during the Civil War. “Binding Wounds, Pushing Boundaries” will be on display in the National Park visitor center from December 17, 2012 through January 26, 2013. Curator Jill L. Newmark will speak on the project during the January AHA! at the National Park visitor center at 5:30 PM. She will focus her presentation on the Powell family and their connections to New Bedford. New Bedford Whaling National Historical Park is located at 33 William Street in downtown New Bedford.

“Binding Wounds, Pushing Boundaries” is a traveling exhibit developed and produced by the National Library of Medicine with research assistance from the Historical Society of Washington, D.C. This eight-panel exhibit, curated by Jill L. Newmark of the National Library of Medicine, contains links to New Bedford history. William P. Powell, Jr., born in New Bedford and son of William P. and Mercy (Haskins) Powell served as a contract Union surgeon during the Civil War and the exhibit touches on his history. According to curator Jill Newmark, Exhibition Registrar of the National Library of Medicine, the exhibit “brings a voice to those that have remained silent for nearly 150 years.”

I grew up in the late 1970s and have fond memories of Virginia Dare soda; the wooden crates they came in, the ability to pick, mix and match your flavors, the concept of returning the bottles so they could be re-used.

It was a BIG deal to me and my brother, Mike. Not being pigeon-holed into buying a case of soda of one flavor was pretty darn exciting. You mean, I could not only select a dozen flavors, but I could choose between Lemon-Lime, Strawberry, Cherry, Moxie or other flavors I’d never heard of until Virginia Dare? It was so good, I felt like I was doing something wrong when the new bottles arrived. At the moment I was to reach for my first bottle, I felt like I should confirm with my mom that I wasn’t punished for something.

Something about this entire idea put you in a good mood. My brother and I would grab our favorite flavor, debate about which ones were the best and this would always segue into unrelated conversation about who would win in a fight: Spiderman (his favorite) or Superman (my favorite.) Surely it was wasted conversation, as clearly Superman was superior. We would often head outside to spread envy throughout the neighborhood. Success was confirmed by wide-eyed looks and obvious salivation.

There may have even been times where we were suspicious of friends who uncharacteristically requested to head to our house to play. They were definitely trying to get at our Virginia Dare. We knew better though. When that wooden case was empty there may be hours, even horribly long days between replenishment. Not on this watch! Greed and conservation were the name of the game.

Kidding aside, I am sure there are a number of people who recall Virginia Dare that was supplied by the Rodman Club Beverage company on Nash Road. For those generations that came later and missed out on the whole experience, it will be difficult, perhaps impossible to convey it.

I always though Virginia Dare was distinctly New Bedford or Massachusetts. Finding out later that the company bottled in Worcester and was (and still is) based in Brooklyn, New York was a bit like finding out that Santa Claus wasn’t real. I felt kind of betrayed. What numbed the betrayal a bit was finding out that the company was incorporated in 1923 under the direction of chemist Bernard H. Smith, a native of Massachusetts.

Though the company was founded in 1835 as a flavor and extract company, with Smith’s direction in 1923 they widened their focus towards the entire food and beverage industry, and even oral care and pharmaceuticals. This came about because one of their primary sellers was wine. Prohibition forced the change. The name, of course, is supposed to be the name of the first English child born in America, daughter of Eleanor and Ananias Dare. More pertinently, the name was chosen for what it symbolized. The Virginia Dare website explains it best:

“The name Virginia Dare came to symbolize wholesomeness and purity, and when Garrett & Company was founded in the region in 1835, the name was adopted as a brand for its wine produced from the native Scuppernong grape.

With the institution of Prohibition in 1919, Garrett & Company was required to reduce the alcohol content of its wine. It was then that they decided to utilize their uncommonly-fine alcohol in the manufacture of flavoring extracts of the best possible quality. Dr. Bernard H. Smith, a noted flavor chemist, was charged with establishing this line of flavors that would carry the name Virginia Dare. With time, the company’s flavoring extract business flourished, and in 1923 the Virginia Dare Extract Company was incorporated.”

Today Virginia Dare is alive and well, and maintains a 150,000 square foot facility and ships to over a hundred countries. While they have gone far past offering soda, I sure wish someone would bring Virginia Dare sodas back to the area.

For those of you who vaguely recall Virginia Dare, I’ve assembled a few photos to jog your memory. Take a stroll down memory lane and by all means, PLEASE share any anecdotes you have! Do you still have a wooden case, empty or even unopened bottles? We’d love to hear them. I promise I won’t ask to come over and “play”!

For a more in depth background on the history of the company, here is a great resource. A short blog about Brooklyn has some fantastic vintage photos of the facility and a short history as well.

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The free New Year’s Eve Celebration in New Bedford includes programming from 4:30 to 9:00 p.m. — but attendees are invited to arrive early and stay late! A celebratory fireworks display is scheduled for 8:30 p.m. in Custom House Square.  Bristol County Savings Bank and Southcoast Health System will sponsor New Bedford’s City Celebrates New Year’s Eve 2012.

Free programming from 4:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. includes:

• At 4:30 p.m., the New Year’s Eve celebration begins at City Hall with greetings from Mayor Jon Mitchell, and performances by Miss New Bedford, the Showstoppers, and the steel drum ensemble from UMASS Dartmouth.
• Make hats with Artworks! from 2-4 p.m. or bring your own for the hat contest at City Hall.
• The Seaman’s Bethel hosts a New Year’s Eve Community Service at 5 p.m.
• Fireworks at Custom House Square at 8:30 pm
• Toe Jam Puppet Band at the YMCA
• Stace your Face face-painting at the YMCA
• Fire-eaters around town
• Street performers on William Street – jugglers
• Ice sculpting at Custom House Square
• Hands-on activities for kids at Artworks! and the New Bedford Art Museum and the National Park with the 19th Century Ladies
• Storytelling at the NB Public Library and Artworks!
• NB High School Drama Club at the Library
• Jedlie’s Magic Show at BCC
• Aerial acts at Nativy Prep School, living statues

Live Music:

• Jazz from Whaling City at the NB Whaling Museum Theater and New Bedford Art Museum
• Celtic music at the Celtic Coffee House and the Seamen’s Bethel
• Classical and jazz music on the baby grand piano at the Star Store
• Folk Music at Cafe Arpeggio
• O’Tooles house band at 767
• DJ Bands in Wings Court

In addition to all of these great free events, downtown’s museums, art galleries and unique boutique shops will be open all day and will stay open late for the New Year’s celebration. Visitors can park at Elm Street garage; the City of New Bedford trolley bus will pick up visitors at the garage and shuttle them between venues from 4 to 8pm. On street parking is available for free after 6 p.m.

It’s pretty much a known fact that the end of the world will occur on December 21st, 2012. There is no escaping it. The Maya Calendar ends on that day, so obviously some asteroid will hit the earth or aliens will invade four days before Christmas. Because I care so much about my fellow humans I’m buying up houses for $100 each and anything else of value for pennies on the dollar. I know, I’m a fool for buying such worthless items with only few weeks until the end, but that’s the kind of guy I am. For those looking to enjoy your last few weeks, I’ve come up with a bucket list of must do things in the Great New Bedford Area.

1. Ride the Mechanic Whale at Libad’s – Bring a group of friends to Libad’s on a Friday night and ride the mechanical whale. For the especially adventurous, give the Libad staff the secret code word “ride the whale of death” and they will pull the lever that opens the spiked moat filled with angry piranhas.

2. Rock Climb at Carabiner’s – This is mostly for the people afraid of heights. Skip the kiddy climbs and jump right into the the tallest top-rope climbs in the indoor rock climbing facility. For the brave climbers, ask your belayer to let you down like a Navy S.E.A.L assaulting a terrorist camp from a helicopter.

3. Take the Hot Wing Challenge at Rose Alley Ale House – Rose Alley Ale House offers a “suicide” wing challenge. Throw down 14 blazing hot wings in 20 minutes and get your name on the wall-of-fame, or go for the record of 20 wings in 11 minutes set by local legend Nick Dompierre. It’s the end of the world, so woman up and thrown down 20 wings because the wall-of-fame will only be there for a few more weeks.

4. Go a Few Rounds in The UFC Style Octagon – Head down to the Hematoma Fight Club on 109-125 West Rodney French Boulevard and go a few rounds in the UFC-Style Octagon. For those feeling super reckless, challenge the 397-pound silverback gorilla Josh to a “two men enter, one man leaves” steel cage match.

5. Spend the Night in Salem or the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast with a Ouija Board – First, head over to Wal-Mart and pick up the finest made in China Ouija board. Then either head to Fall River’s Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast or to the witch-slaying grounds in Salem, Massachusetts. For the brave (or stupid), crack some Lizzie Borden jokes in Fall River or Witch jokes in Salem and then continue to repeat, “That’s all you got?” when mysterious things start happening.

6. Explore New Bedford’s Underground Road – New Bedford played a prominent role in the Underground Railroad system that helped bring so many slaves to the north. Full details with monuments and maps can be found here: http://www.nbhistoricalsociety.org/historictrails.html.

7. Give A Romantic Kiss to the Girl/Guy of Your Dreams – Watch the movie An Officer and a Gentlemen and head over to that special lady’s workplace that you’ve been Facebook stalking for the past year. If you have a buddy in the military borrow his military service dress uniform for a higher probability of success.

8. Do Stand Up Comedy  – Prepare some of your best jokes and convince some local bar or coffee shop to let you do some stand up comedy. Bring a basket of rotten fruit and make fun of the biggest, baddest looking hecklers.

9. Learn to Tango or Salsa Dance – If you pull off that romantic kiss and you don’t get slapped, invite the girl to a salsa or tango dance lesson.

10. Cut your Own Christmas Tree – Forget the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It’s the end of the world so there is no need to worry about the environment or trees that provide you life sustaining oxygen. Bring your own axe and chop a tree down like you’re Lizzie Borden and just got dumped, or Abe Lincoln striking down a racist Vampire.

11. Learn all the Portuguese Swears – If you live in New Bedford and don’t know any Portuguese swears, you’re missing out. Once you’ve learned some curse words head over to your favorite Portuguese bakery or sports club and talk smack about their Portuguese soccer teams.

12. Pick a Fight with a Kung Fu Grand Master in China Town – After a few rounds of sparring in the UFC Octagon you are now ready to challenge a Kung Fu Grand Master. Drive up to the China Town in Boston, head into the first Kung Fu school you can find and tell the instructor that your Monkey Style will defeat his Tiger Claw.

13. Buy a Zorb Ball and Roll Around Buttonwood Park – It’s the end of the world, so there is no reason to penny pinch. A Zorb ball is like an outdoor hamster wheel for humans, but in a air-cushioned bubble. Run around chasing dogs and kids like a crazed bubble boy. Check out eBay for some amazing Zorb deals.

14. Order the Blowfish Sushi – Give a call to one of the local sushi spots and see if you can special order the blowfish sushi. As I learned from the Simpsons, if prepared incorrectly it can cause sickness or even death, but at this point it’s worth the risk.

The Greater New Bedford unemployment rate is much higher than the rest of Massachusetts, but believe it or not there really are a lot of jobs available for qualified applicants. Sometimes the barrier to a new job can be the lack of information on available job openings.  To solve this, each week New Bedford Guide will be working with the New Directions Southcoast (also known as the Greater New Bedford Career Center) to inform job seekers about the hottest jobs in the area. We will define “Hot Jobs” as those jobs that need to be filled by the employer immediately. For those looking to search some large job databases, checkout my Best Job Search Resources for New Bedford Residents article. Unless noted otherwise, those interested in these positions or want more information should go to the Greater New Bedford Career Center at 618 Acushnet Avenue. Here are the Hot Jobs as of November 29th, 2012:

1. Masonry Estimator/Project Manager #1640342 – Estimating and Project manager needed 20 to 40 hours a week to start. Responsibilities include but are not limited to:

Provide extensive knowledge of masonry construction and the ability to read Construction blueprints. Analyze and prepare job scope review and Quality survey for all potential bids, produce accurate and complete estimate from quantity take off to bidding to purchasing become very well versed in company’s estimations database, understand and interpret companies self-performed work capabilities to develop accurate bids.

Prepare successful bids for integration into accounting department prepare budgets and cost codes for project Management on successful bids prepare job schedules and durations for successful bids. Procure submittals/approvals process for all successful bids. Review, submit and distribute shop drawings. Procure all purchasing for successful bids. Maintain accurate purchase orders logs for all successful bids assist in procurement of all change orders request for jobs in progress Assist in preparing RFP’s for jobs in progress assist in job close out, review final coasts for accuracy in original bid. This position also requires Computer skills and regular site visits. Direct experience in private and public work is a plus. D P Masonry serves the Northeast in commercial masonry construction.

2. Corporate Beverage Engineer #1634931 – We are currently looking for two Corporate Beverage Engineers to join our Engineering Department. Position Summary: The Corporate Beverage Engineer will be responsible for leading and participating in a variety of projects at any of our 4 beverage network locations. Projects will range in scope and size and may involve any and all of the following: design, integration, installation, continuous improvement, maintenance, modification, and start-up of high-speed packaging lines.

Responsibilities will require engineering experience and working levels of process & utility, drafting (CAD), controls, equipment procurement, installation, training, and start-up.

3. Director of Institutional Research Planning #1592727 – Full -time Non-Unit Professional Position.

GENERAL STATEMENT OF DUTIES:
The Director is responsible for the planning, research, analysis, evaluation, and reporting functions necessary to assess institutional effectiveness. Reporting to the President and working closely with Cabinet, this position develops and disseminates analytical data related to academic, student and administrative programs, data supportive of educational master planning, student learning outcomes, enrollment trends, and required internal and state/federal external reports.

SUPERVISORY RESPONSIBILITY:
Supervises Non-Unit Institutional Staff Associates.

MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS:
Master’s degree in related field (such as statistics, mathematics, policy analysis, economics, computer science, or social or natural science with an emphasis on applied quantitative methods and statistics). Doctorate preferred.

Four or more years of increasingly responsible experience involving statistical research, analysis, interpretation and reporting including work with institutional assessments, research and planning functions and problem-solving skills. One year of formal training, internship, or leadership experience reasonably related to the administrative assignment.

Exceptional communication skills and the ability to effectively communicate complex concepts to a variety of audiences. Ability to communicate effectively both verbally and in writing; to establish positive public relations for the College; and to interact effectively with a wide variety of people.

Excellent computer skills in a Windows-based PC environment; proficiency with software applications for data extracts and statistical analysis (SPSS experience preferred); and experience in the use of higher education enterprise management systems (Jenzabar experience preferred); or equivalent technical training and education.

4. Field Service Technician #1614734 – A leading manufacturer of commercial clothes dryers is seeking an independent and responsible individual to become part of our technical support team. This individual will assist customers by providing service in all areas of customer field support. This includes on site at customer locations, customer inquiries and correspondence. The ideal candidate must posses a strong mechanical aptitude, strong electrical understanding and the ability to quickly and efficiently troubleshoot equipment. Five to ten years of technical experience with complex electro-mechanical devices and preferably experience in microprocessor controls is required.

Experience with commercial laundry equipment is preferred but not necessary. This position requires travel to customer locations. Offers a competitive wage and benefit package

5. Pre-School Teacher #1633656 –

Qualifications:
Minimum High School Diploma; 3 or more years’ experience working with preschool children. As well as an Ability to effectively interact with parents and children on a range of issues.

• Demonstrated ability to engage in a range of children’s educational, recreational, and social activities.

• Demonstrated ability to make mature judgments in difficult situations.

Essential Functions:

– Prepares and delivers daily lesson and activity plans.
– Supervises children in classroom and activities environment.
– Provides a learning environment respectful of a child’s learning level and personal experiences.
– Provide an environment conducive to group learning and interactions.
– Make and communicate on-going observations and evaluations necessary for monitoring progress and areas of improvement.
– Conduct conferences and other communications for parent interaction and understanding.
– Maintain required program records and documentation.
– Maintain site and equipment as appropriate; identify and communicate areas of safety concern.

6. Medicial Receptionist/Biller #1640164 – This position requires a friendly disposition and is the first point of contact with our patients. The applicant should have above average computer/internet skills. Patients will be checked in through a web based practice management system, appointments scheduled and billing entered. Phones will be answered and billing errors will be followed up on with insurance companies. Websites and phone will be used to check patient insurance benefits.

Prior experience with insurance and computers is very important to this position. Certificate as a Health Claims Specialist is a plus.

7. Pre-School Lead Teacher #1633655 –

GENERAL FUNCTIONS:
The person selected for this position will be responsible for the general supervision and management of a class of children between the ages of 2 through 5 years old. This person will also assume the duties of acting Director at times when the Director is absent.

QUALIFICATIONS:
The person selected for this position must have professional experience as a teacher of young children, preferably in preschool education and development. Also must meet Department of Early Education and Care requirements. This person must be a sensitive and mature individual who is able to relate well to both children and adults. This person must be emotionally and physically capable of dealing with the multifaceted needs of the preschool child.

8. Customer Service #1641801 – Recruitment at the Greater New Bedford Career Center on Monday, December 3rd and Wednesday, December 5th from 9:00am to 3:00pm interviewing for customer service positions in New Bedford. There are approximately 20 positions available. Requirements: Must have customer service, call center, sales or retail experience. Must be comfortable working on the phone. The hourly rate is $10.50/hr plus commission. These positions are 6 Months to Hire. Please bring resume.

On Thursday, November 29, at 10:30 a.m. on a grassy knoll along the New Bedford Hurricane Barrier access road at the base of Gifford Street, Mayor Jon Mitchell will join representatives from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and other local elected officials to celebrate the 50^th anniversary of the groundbreaking of the New Bedford Hurricane Barrier.

Construction of the New Bedford barrier began in 1962 through the cooperation of local, state and federal governments and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.  The barrier was built across New Bedford Harbor with the goal of greatly minimizing or eliminating the destructive effects of hurricane floodwaters.  It has proved its value many times, including most recently in managing tidal surges during Hurricane Sandy.

Attendees should park along the side of the access road, or in the Gifford Street boat ramp parking lot.

Zombies are more popular than ever. The Walking Dead is one of the most popular shows on TV, Brad Pitt’s World War Z comes out next year and Zombie style video games are extremely popular. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, most of the population will become Zombie food. With some skills and lots of luck, some of us just may survive the biters. Here is my list of 12 categories of people that will become zombie food right away. They will make up the horde of zombies the survivors will battle to stay alive.

1. Dumb Celebrities – The Paris Hiltons of the world will be the first to become zombie food. Paris Hilton will think there is a major Halloween party going on outside and try to make out with the hot zombies.

2. Pacifists – Giving zombies a hug and trying to find the good in them will get you eaten real quick. Remove pacifists from your group immediately. They will just suck up valuable resources and while fighting for your life against a zombie they will refuse to knock the zombie off you.

3. Baggy Pants Wearing Gangster – Have fun sprinting in those baggy, low-wearing pants!

4. Obese Hoveround Drivers – Let’s face it, if you are so big that you require a Hoveround electric wheelchair to get you around you have several problems. First, the roads will be littered with hazardous obstacles. Getting around will be impossible. Second, while brain damaged, zombies will have basic eating habits. The bigger plumb, easy to grab humans will feed a small pack of zombies for days. Hoveround Drivers are a zombie jackpot!

5. Anti-Gun Law Proponents – Refusing to have a gun is trouble, never learning how to shoot one will result in death.

6. Late Night Gamers – This is like flipping a coin. If the zombie apocalypse starts from 5 a.m. to 12 p.m. the gamers that stay up until 5 a.m. playing Call of Duty or WOW are likely to get bitten in their sleep. They will simply sleep through the chaos. Even if the zombie apocalypse kicks off during their waken hours, not even a hungry zombie can break them away from a record 36 hour gaming marathon.

7. The High Rise Tower Residents – The infection will start at street level and move its way up the floors. The families on the first few levels may have enough notice to get out of the building and find a better place to hold up. The families at the top are out of luck and will have to fight their way down. Plus fires will become common places and it will suck to be on the top floor battling zombies and fires.

8. Alcoholics and Drug Users – The time to need an intervention is not during a zombie apocalypse. If you are either drunk, stoned or going through withdrawals, you are in no state to be battling zombies.

9. Those that live in the heart of big cities – Same principle as the high tower residents. The last place you want to be is in a big city with huge populations. If you are in the center of a major city, you will have to battle your way out against millions of zombies and all roads will become parking lots.

10. Runway Models – Let’s face it, if you are already malnourished and weak at the start of the zombie apocalypse, you have little chance of survival. The only benefit of being skin and bones is that the zombies will run past you to chase down the obese hoveround drivers and the baggy pants wearing gangsters. Zombie instinct will dictate they go for the larger and easier meals.

11. The Past His Prime Jock – We all know a former high school star athlete. They go through life letting you know all the touchdowns they scored 20 years ago. A zombie apocalypse is a perfect time to relive that former glory. Unwisely, they will head into battle on day one and bravely take on large hordes. The likely scenario is swinging a large wrench at the first zombie, pulling a hamstring and quickly getting sacked by a group of zombies.

12. The Line Campers– The most annoying people on the list are the Line Campers. They wait in tents for three days for an iPhone, a hit movie or a $100 flat screen TV on for Black Friday. They will see people running by screaming that people are being eating alive, but they are too smart to fall for that trick. Even when the zombies start eating The Line Campers, they will refuse to leave the line and try to complain to the retail staff that some zombie cut their place in line.